A summer sit

Lost in the haze of thought.
Hot.
Sweaty.
Mosquitos bite me.
Cicadas deafen me.
The yellow jackets buzz at my feet.
I wonder if trusting them to not bite will suffice.
An edge of uncertainty...
I blow a mosquito off my arm.
A pine cone falls to the ground.
Where is the water?
Where is the rain?
Lightening bugs flash yellow.
Dusk approaches.
Sweat upon my brow.
My butt hurts. Shifting seems impossible.
Teetering on the edge of enjoying myself and discomfort.
In winter when I was dressed in my snow suit I wondered what summer would feel like.
I have no tangible memory of the cold.
It was just cold. 
There are no words to describe it.
Winter has faded away.
Yet, here I sit again begging the seasons to teach me more.
My mind drifts into the lostness that is thought...
Two Red bellied woodpeckers call out through the quiet.
Through the pines.
On the warm breeze.
They let the other know where they are.
"I" know where they are.
The warbler sings in the tree tops.
My mind returns to the surface of the here and now.
It comes up for air.
The beauty of the sit spot.
I shift.
I adjust.
I sit.

Written 7/7/12 (day 218)

Thanksgiving

The chill in the air has my skin vibrating after my time out in the woods today.  I am always amazed at the mushrooms and how they grow and the sound of the last leaves as they break loose from their trees.  A few weeks ago even as all the leaves fell the woods sounded less noisy than they do today.  The leaves are working hard to make it to the ground.  I am so grateful to have woods behind my home to inspire me to come in and quilt on a cold and breezy Saturday.

I haven't been around much because I have been busy working on some big life things that haven't quite come to fruition yet, but will in some capacity.  I haven't had much time for quilting, but I've still been walking in the woods everyday - well as often as possible - almost everyday.  I'm still paying attention and learning - a lot about myself and a lot about the environment around me.  I'm eager to get back to writing about it and how what questions and answers I get about it.

I have started a new quilt and I'm feeling excited about it...  I am working towards getting back to blogging as the days grow even shorter and as the temperatures beckon me to get back into the warmth.  I was feeling a bit guilty for not writing more as I sat down to type out a hello and an I'm still here, but as I write I realize I have spent a tremendous amount of time outside and with my kids rather than worrying about writing and I don't regret that at all.  I think there is a way to find an avenue for both...

So, hit or miss, I'm still here and my creative voice is calling to me, so I'm off to touch fabric and listen to a good audio book and end my day in the cold around a fire with my 3 favorite people eating s'mores - though they don't know that yet.

See you next time!
Sarah

Where I am...

Well, I am sure many of you have realized I missed my Friday post.  I have sat down over and over and over again to start working on it, but right now, I have no spare time for blogging, so I am going to give myself permission to do it when I can and let it work it's way back into a regular thing.  

We have started our homeschooling year and India took the leap to Master's Academic Partners and though everyone told us it would be a lot of work, I didn't realize how MUCH work.  It's an insane workload (far too much work I think) and until she grows accustomed to it I have to give her a lot of attention to help her move through the tremendous amount of work she now has.  At least until we fall into a rhythm with it, other things have to take a back seat unfortunately for now.

Also, my grandmother is having a lot of health problems and is requiring a great deal of my energy so if putting more energy into India's schooling wasn't enough of a temporary distraction, I now am helping to take care of my grandmother and her ailing body. There is only my mother and I to do this and as her body functions and abilities fade she needs to know we love her and support her during this time in her life.

All this to say, life is busy and I'm still paying attention, but I have to find windows to write about it and they are few and far between, so until things slow down, I may not be here 5 days a week for a little while.  

I miss writing and the sharing of my path so I know I will become regular again, but somehow telling you all gives me the true freedom to be easy with myself during this time of transition and I know I enjoy it so much it will work its way back into my flow...

I will, however, continue to post India's pictures, so you can still expect our Tuesday posts to continue unless she runs out of them because she has no time to take them.  Hopefully, she will find a rhythm and the work will flow more a little less effortlessly.

And I will still be here when time allows.

Until next time... send me love and see me moving at a moons pace... slow and steady...

There is always room for Rumi on Monday.

It's been a wild weekend.  The show opening was wonderful with a great turn out.  If you made it out, thank you so much for coming!  I hope you enjoyed the work, the space, the music, the dance, and the community.  I certainly did!

I've got pictures to show you of us hanging the show, and pictures of the reception, and I have plans to make another video of Transformation from beginning to end, but today, I'm going to keep things simple because I have had a very long weekend and am feeling the need to rest up a little rather than jumping back into blogging today.  

So, today, I'm going to share a Rumi poem as translated by Coleman Barks from Rumi, the Big Red Book.  I was lying in bed last night after a very exhausting and mentally challenging day reading the beautiful and soulful words of Rumi and was quite taken with this one...

KEEP MOVING

Do you hear what the stringed instrument says about longing?

The same as the stick, I was once a green branch in the wind.

We are all far from home.

Language is our caravan bell.

Do not stop anywhere.

The moment you are attracted to a place, you grow bored with it.

Think of the big moves you have already made, 

from a single cell to a human being.

Stay light-footed, and keep moving.

Turkish, Arabic, Greek, 

any tongue is a wind that was formerly water.

As a breeze carries the ocean inside it,

so underneath every sentence is, 

Come back to the source.

A moth does not avoid flame.

A king lives in the city.

Why should I keep the company with owls out here in the empty buildings?

If you donkey acts crazy and will not work, apply the bullwhip to his head.

He will understand.

Do not try to love him back to his senses.

Whack him.

Oh Sweet Trillium... I how I love thee.

After getting the lady's slipper finished (or what I thought as finished) I decided to make some trilliums for the bottom of the piece.  There was a lot of negative space at the bottom.  To me, it just felt like it needed more.

While making the trilliums I realized the lady's slipper was still not quite right, so I made the leaves a more muted green to make them blend in a little better. 

Before:

After:

Better?

Onto the the trilliums...

When I was in college studying horticulture was the first time I had the pleasure of seeing a trillium.  They are small and inconspicuous and as with all flowers that I truly love - one has to be paying close attention to see them.  For some reason, the simple almost hidden flowers are my favorite, but I've told you all this before.

The trillium in the woods, much like the maypops and blood root or wood sorrel remind me of a world of life we can't imagine going on in the woods, or the floor of the earth.  I think of fairies and magic, pixie dust and glitter.  I have stories upon stories built around the life of these sweet little plants.  

Trillium were the first "woods" flowers I came to know and they will always have a special place in my heart for opening my eyes to the world of flowers that bloom only a few inches above the soil.  

Some trilliums can be rather large, but you have to get to slightly cooler climates than ours to enjoy them.  When we were at Joyce Kilmer I saw some of the biggest trilliums I have ever seen.  They were fantastic like all the life around them they grew big.  Maybe that's the land of the gentle giants... much like the sequoahs - that's the story I made up for myself anyhow.

I recently read in The Maiden King something along the lines of the reason we connect to fairy tales is because the story is full of all this fantasy that excites us and we can't imagine it, but the feelings behind the action speak to our very core.    Fairy tales are ageless and we hear them over and over and we experience the same feelings each time we hear them as though we have never heard them before.  We relearn the lessons until they stick with us, then we need a new story with new lessons to hold onto.

I believe this and think it is why I am as drawn to archetypes, folk lores, and mythology as much as I am.  There is much to be learned from those who have come before us and how they related to their world through story - something we have gotten away from.

The trilliums have added the last element of the fantasy of the moment these two beings are sharing.  It has become unimaginable to me, yet the lesson of the beauty of transformation is one I will continue to learn.

They are now between the worlds of the red poppies and the simple trilliums sharing a moment in time.  Looking at them I find myself asking what brought them to this moment?  Why are they bowing to one another or are they bowing to the lady slipper?  I start making up a story of characters and magic and laughter.  The story deepens in my imagination and I find joy in telling this story whatever it is.

Until tomorrow!

I'm off to quilt!

Observation Medication 7/29/11

First off, I want to thank India for helping me out with these photos.  I had a long day of work today and she edited them for me and got them ready for this post.  It was a big help, so thank you.

This week, I noticed the light is beginning to change and the days are beginning to shorten, but it is still HOT.  It won't be too much longer now.  The nights are beginning to have a tinge of hope to them as fall approaches.

AND I'm still thinking about the rain a lot. 

I was sitting on the front porch last night listening to the song the cicadas sing and Fred, the rooster, wishing the big rain cloud over my head would just burst.  I was praying for gravity to work its magic and let some drops of precious water fall to the earth, but alas... no rain.  

Summers are always dry in Georgia.  Winters are always wet.  We complain in the summer when there isn't rain and in winter we wish it would stop.  

I once heard a wise person say we should try not to complain about the weather because it's never perfect and we always want something different than what we are having.  We should be grateful we are having weather.

Such simple truth. Wish I remembered who said it to me.

I guess I should work on my attitude towards the heat.

Humans talk about the weather all the time. 

Isn't it a funny phenomenon? 

When we can't think of anything else to talk about there is always the weather.  It's the most unpredictable thing most of us have in our lives that we can wrap our heads around - and here I am... talking about the weather, when what I really want to tell you about are:

Cedar Trees

I want to learn to recognize the different trees in our woods so I can learn their cycles too.

There are obviously easy trees like the cedars which is my starting point, but as I was reading up on them last night for this post I discovered the trees we call Eastern Red Cedars are not cedars at all - they are actually junipers.  Did you know that?

The bark is reddish brown and peels or shreds off the tree.  

They are considered pioneer trees, meaning after a fire or when land is recovering from a disturbance -  be it natural or man made these trees are some of the first to grow.  Pioneer trees are not as shade tolerant as other species so they grow first and provide an environment in the landscape for the second succession of trees. The second succession of trees are more shade tolerant and slower to grow than pioneer trees.  Pine trees are another example of pioneer trees.

There are a few critters that eat young cedar trees like the white tailed deer and rabbits, but it is better known for the food its berries and cones provide to birds and other small critters - especially in winter.

Cedar is a wood often used for its durability. It is used for fence posts, furniture, and its insect repelling abilities. (I keep a little cedar in my yarn stash and clothing drawers and especially around my fabric stash.  It helps keeps my clothes smelling good and the moths from eating the fabric and fibers.)

Through out history people have understood the many uses of cedar and have chosen not to burn it as fire wood because it would be a waste of good lumber. 

In the far east, cedar is referred to as "deodar" which is derived from the sanskrit word "devdar" which means lumber of the gods.

It is also associated with being the home of many gods.  It was used in ceremonies for purification, cleansing, healing, and protection.  Burning it or the oil is supposed to help with interpreting your own inner voice and to promote peaceful thoughts.

There are hundreds of stories through out history that mention cedars and their connection to humans and life.   In almost every religion they are mentioned at some point.  I read so much information about them in stories it is all running together in my head.


So, here are two stories I liked if you want to read them:
The Legend of the Cedar Tree
Origin of Fire (has music so turn volume down, but great story)

Personally, I love how it smells and use it often in my oil diffuser as well as my bath water and will appreciate it a little more each time I walk past it in the woods and remember to be grateful for all it provides us with.

Take care and I will see you on Monday!

references: Easter Red Cedar

Meaning of Cedar

When inspiration hits

I have begun to think about what my next project was going to be as I get closer and closer to finishing Transformation.  

I keep thinking about what I want to do, the colors I am feeling these days, but nothing was coming clearly.  

No solid ideas.  

I have 4 quilts in mind that I want to make, but none of them have come through the channels to a concrete plan. 

YET. 

http://www.pompomemporium.com/content/how-make-fabric-flowers-organza

Usually by the time I get to this stage of a quilt, I know pretty well what's up next and I've started gathering drawings and fabric and I'm starting to work on stencils, but thus far... 

NOTHING.

This lesson on transforming seemed to be sticking with me and I was beginning to hit that stuck place - that creative block we all dread.  

What more do I need to learn about this medicine?

Instead of letting myself go there and it bring me down which blocks typically do I know in my heart that this lesson is one I will always be learning.  

We are constantly in a state of transformation.  

In every moment.

So, instead, I put my energy towards realizing the lack of flow may have more to do with the speed at which I have been making quilts.  They are coming out faster than ever before.  Especially since I have been more committed to making time for it.  

Isn't it amazing how that works.  

Who would have thought?  Make time for quilting and you quilt faster.  

It's rocket science, I tell you.

 I should have know the inspiration would hit.  I just need to hold on to the faith and know it never really leaves me.

http://teresacollins.typepad.com/teresa_collins/2010/06/fabric-flower-tv-segment.html

I have had a hard time working on this quilt all weekend.  I have found tons of reasons to procrastinate.  Some worthy of procrastination, some... not so much.

I found myself wanting to do everything but quilt. It was one of those times where my idea wasn't happening like I imagined it and I was having to make the same piece over and over and over and over to get it right.  (I will be showing you this process a little later this week.)  

http://diyfashion.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ&zTi=1&sdn=diyfashion&cdn=style&tm=37&f=00&su=p284.12.336.ip_p504.3.336.ip_&tt=3&bt=0&bts=1&st=32&zu=http%3A//mysparkle.blogspot.com/2010/02/how-to-rolled-flowers.html

After 6 tries, I finally got it like I wanted and that seems to have helped open me up  to receiving some new inspiration - not to mention I made a vital connection to some thoughts on transforming a part of my personal pattern I am feeling needs some serious attention.  I say, let the lessons begin! It's work personal work I am hungry for.

http://www.reesedixon.com/2009/03/organza-flowers.html

It's all very exciting - it stays exciting because I love personal growth as it never fails to bring with it endless joy.  

This is how I work my magic.  

The part of self that needs some polishing awakens and the inspirations come flowing.

http://www.msawesome.com/blog/2009/11/fabric-flowers-dont-die/

Laying in bed last night I was trying to go to sleep and like so many times before couldn't because ideas for new quilts were streaming into my head. The imagery for the next quilt has started to take shape, but I have also got some ideas for a new dance costume and some belt ideas.  

I've got some thoughts on an Etsy store - which exists, but has nothing in it.

I stayed up WAY past my bedtime writing out my ideas and taking notes on everything that was coming through.  

I made lots of lists of stuff to look up - some how to tutorials (AHHHH!!! the simplicity of the interweb) I have lists upon lists of things to look for to use as inspiration for these upcoming exciting new projects.

http://someartfabrictalk.blogspot.com/2010/05/fabric-flowers-for-mothers-day.html

For now, I've got to get this quilt finished, but when I'm overwhelmed or not inspired over my next three days off from work, I'm going to be looking for some fabric flowers, trees, wool roving for dying, and so much more!  I am feeling a trip to the fabric store on my agenda towards the end of the week.

Ahhhhh.... I'm feeling inspired!  It feels so good.

If you have good links or know of a great book to make flowers I would love to hear about them as well as inexpensive sources for wool roving.

Until tomorrow!  

I'm off to quilt!

Observation Medication 7/22/11

 This week I have managed to get outside a little more.  We got a nice little reprieve from the heat with some sweet and much needed rain, but with the rain continues the humidity.  Ahhh.... Georgia summers.

I have decided to get over the heat for my mental well-being.  When I don't take the time to walk in the woods and get outside I miss so much that is happening and I slip into disconnect a little too easily.  So, I am making myself get out and get over it.

Walking in the woods the other night.  Jason noticed a tree where deer may have rutted.  We looked for signs of fur, but there weren't any.  I, being the naturally curious person that I am, looked it up to see when deer rut and why. (Though I was pretty sure I knew why.)  

http://www.rgisbc.com/Deer.html

 Deer typically rut in Autumn and it is definitely not autumn in Georgia yet, so these marks were probably from last year and we just noticed them this year.  The place where a deer ruts on a tree is called a rub and they rut to leave behind their scent for females.  The thing I found most interesting about rutting when reading about it was that male deer are generally pretty weak after rutting.  I guess all the noise and energy they use to get the ladies to pay them attention wears them out. 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hard-rain/298253000/

Something else I have noticed this week (well, really last week) was the yellow finches have shown up in the yard.  

They are so sweet and so tiny.  

http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/American_Goldfinch/id

They are chowing down on the seed heads from the purple cone flowers and black eyed susans in the yard.

We used to have nanking cherries in the front yard and we would have just tons of them every summer, but the nankin cherries outgrew their home in the front yard and have gone to live in other areas of the yard and other gardens.  

http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/American_Goldfinch/id

 In reading about finches it says they show up in Spring and Early Summer, and I guess mid-July may still be considered early summer, but I'm just now seeing them in the yard and I don't remember them being around in Spring.  What about your yards?

They always catch my eye because they are such sweet little birds and I love watching them.

http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/American_Goldfinch/id

I've also been hearing more of the mourning doves sad call more in the mornings when I am outside feeding the chickens.  

http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/Mourning_Dove/id

 I have to listen hard since our rooster, Fred, lets me know repeatedly I'm in the chicken pen - as though I don't already know that!  Silly bird.  

http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/Mourning_Dove/id

This morning I actually was able to sit and watch it sing for a few minutes before Fred started.  Such a sad mournful song they sing, yet it speaks so deeply to my heart.

http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/Mourning_Dove/id

Lastly, I've really noticed - I mean how can you not? - the cicada's song.  

http://www.ent.iastate.edu/imagegal/homoptera/cicada/17yrcicada.html

They chirp morning, day, and night.  

I know to some it is pure heresy to say I love it, so if you are one of those people just remember I am a nature lover and forgive me because I do!

http://web.utk.edu/~extepp/profiles/insects/homelg/cicada.htm

 It's so LOUD, but it brings back the feelings I had as a child in summer and the taste of childhood joy.  

They have just started singing most of the day.  It wasn't that long ago they were just gearing up from time to time when I was out in the woods and now no matter where I go in the yard I can hear them. 

http://www.whatsthatbug.com/2007/09/29/cicada-exoskeleton/

In some cultures, Cicada's are considered a sign of rebirth.  I guess this is because they live underground and then emerge. You know, some can live under ground for up to 17 years?  I wonder if there are other insects that live that long - in any stage.  Guess I will have to go look that up!

Have you noticed anything interesting in nature this week?

Swan piecing begins!

Naturally after all the hard work of getting the swan and ballerina the right size I was eager to get to work piecing.  Not to mention, I have to  have this quilt done in only 3 more weeks.  

The clock is ticking...

I set straight to work on making my templates for piecing the swan.  

Part of the process of getting the template right for this quilt is to reverse it which my handy dandy copier does not do. (Note to self: when this copier wears out get one that will copy a mirror image.) 

What that means for me is once I have my stencil the right size I then have to trace it onto tracing paper and turn it over, then trace it again onto the Sulky Totally Stable.  I tried just turning my copy over, but even with the light box under it the lines were too hard to see through the paper and the Sulky.

Thank goodness for my light box.  

Tracing is so simple now.  

Once it is on the Sulky Totally Stable, I'm ready to go.

Cutting one piece at a time the swan began to take shape.  

I was a bit nervous since swans are stark white that it would be a bit boring, but it definitely isn't going to be.

I didn't make a lot of head way into piecing before my quilting time ran out.  Especially since it took me so long to get there, but I'm focused and determined to get it done and I'm loving how it's coming together.

Until tomorrow!

I'm off to quilt!

Observation Medication 7/8/11

This week my observations have turned to water.  

photo credit: http://cindrellaforever.blogspot.com/2011/04/rainmy-special-love.html

In Georgia, during the summer, rain gives us a break from the heat and humidity.

The humid air draws the sweat from our bodies.  Which then causes the dust to stick to our skin. 

The air feels thick because it is.

We hear thunder in the distance and we begin to crave the rain.

It stays on our minds.

We long for it.

We pray for it.

photo credit: http://theshopatvictoriagardens.blogspot.com/2010/07/rain.html

I was laying in bed last night listening to the thunder off in the distance.

It brought my thoughts to the rain and the effect it has on me.

photo credit: http://duckburg-gazette.blogspot.com/2007/12/rain-we-got-some-much-needed-rain-last.html

In the winter, the rain drains me.  I want it to go away.

Downpour after downpour keeps us even more inward because it cold and wet and who wants to get out in that?

In the summer, I love the rain.

I beg the skies to let it fall to us (without the violent thunderstorms)

photo credit: http://sands7.wordpress.com/2007/05/page/2/

I love the smell of the damp.

Since I was a little girl I have loved mud puddles and playing in the rain.

You will seldom see me with an umbrella as I almost always prefer to walk in the rain.

photo credit: http://tallgreengrass.wordpress.com/2011/05/19/rain/

A good summer rain brings chills to the skin.

Every time a rain drop hits my skin it surprises me.

It's like I never expected it even though I know it is raining.

It still sends a shock wave through my body stimulating my senses until the next one hits.

I love the sound of the rain dripping off the leaves of trees as they drop down leaf by leaf the the ground.

photo credit: http://7art-screensavers.com/free-clipart/7art-00002_big-leaf-rain-drop.shtml

Walking in the woods right after a big heavy rain is my favorite time to be in the woods.  It is a different backdrop to the bird song and the birds have to sing louder to be heard over the drops.  Yet, somehow it is still so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

After a good rain, I love how fresh everything smells and looks.

The plants stand tall and proud when the sun comes back out - replenished. 

The fruit in the garden ripen before your eyes.

photo credit: http://www.psxextreme.com/ps3-wallpapers/788.html

Remember after a good summer shower to look up.  The possibility of a rainbow is much higher in the summer since the sun never truly hides behind the clouds for long and who doesn't feel full of joy seeing a rainbow?

Have a good weekend!  

I will see you on Monday!

Thoughts on Camping by myself

I know many of you were eager for me to get to this post last week, but I needed to process the trip myself first before really sharing how it was for me with anyone.

It will come as no surprise if you know me that it was easily one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

I had a lot of emotional buildup to going.  And a lot of anxiety about it.

I cried a lot. 

It was terrifying to think about being alone in the woods - by myself - knowing there are bear, coyotes, mountain lions, raccoons, who knows what else out there.  And then, there was the element of being all by myself with no other human to talk to.

I was scared.

Jason, being the ever supportive husband, held me and reassured me I would be fine, but I didn't have to do it.  I could wait until I was ready.

Thinking about it now, I don't think I was ever going to be "ready." I was doing something most people would never do by themselves. Something most wouldn't want to do.

I knew in my heart it was something I had to do or I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror again with the same confidence I see myself having.

 

So, Thursday I got all my stuff out and made the decision if I wasn't able to be on the road by 4:30 I wouldn't go until Saturday.

Everything worked out wonderfully - even with a long day of work and arriving to work almost an hour late I STILL managed to get home by 3:30.  I finished getting my stuff together and you would not believe the anxiety and excitement I had coursing through me all at the same time.

At 4:30 I was ready to go.

Jason and the kids walked me to the car.

I started crying... again. We all embraced. He gave me my last out, but I knew there was no turning back. 

I HAD to do it.  Even if I chickened out during the night, I at least HAD to get there and try.

About half way to the mountain, the bottom fell out of the sky.  There was thunder, lightening, and heavy rain.  I couldn't believe it.  I mean, come on, I was doing it, I was overcoming this awful fear I have and it's going to rain on me? GIVE ME A BREAK!  I pulled over for a moment and had to decide to persevere or go home.  I decided worse case scenario, it was raining in the mountains and I had to sleep on my friends porch or in her house and Saturday would be my night.

I had worked out this theory that Friday night would be my night of fear.  I would get next to no sleep because I would be afraid of everything and then Saturday night was when the journey would really begin.  So, I figured, I was there to overcome the fear, not so much the journey the second night, so one night in the woods would be ok with me - at least that was what I told myself to feel reassured that I should just GO ON.

It rained the ENTIRE drive.  I mean not drizzle or mist, but RAIN...

When I got to Catherine's around 7:30 was when the sun came back out.  I felt blessed, but I figured it was still too wet to sleep outside, but she said she thought I should go on and told me how to build a fire with wet stuff and sent me on my way.

I was not expecting that.  I had reached a point of relaxation knowing I would be sleeping on the porch and of course I could have, but I couldn't.  What would Catherine think?  This woman whom I hold in this really high place of honor when it comes to Earth Wisdoms?  Would she still respect me the next day?

So, I unloaded the food out of my pack and left it in my van - there are bear in those woods and I was trying to be as safe as possible and I headed down the mountain to find a spot to pitch my tent.

Stupid insecurities.  The things we tell ourselves, right?  Of Course, Catherine would still love me the next day no matter what I did.

It was so wet.  EVERYTHING.

I decided to pitch my tent a little more than half way down, next to the spot she has her sweat lodge built.  There is a small fire ring there and it is about the only flat place to pitch a tent.

I was pretty proud of myself because I was able to get it done quickly with a tarp under it and over it to help keep me dry.(I stayed dry the entire time.)

Then, I went to town building a fire.

My dearest friend, Holly, made the suggestion I take a starter log to ensure I had a fire.  When she made this suggestion she was just trying to help me curb some of my anxiety because she only recently had done the same (She was my inspiration for this trip) and she knew what I was getting myself into.  Jason told me I didn't need it, but boy was I glad I listened to Holly and not Jason.

I have never been so grateful for such a small piece of advice before.  With the help of the starter log I had a KILLER fire - even with all the wet wood.  It dried out super fast and kept a glow for most of the night.

I laid my little blanket out beside it.  I had my knife and my dog and I waited to get scared. 

Naturally, I heard every sound in the woods and so did Pepper, but I just kept waiting for the fear to roll in.

I tended my fire well.  I kept it going and blazing until about 1:00 in the morning when I was just plain tired.  I didn't sleep well the night before due to anxiety and I had had a super busy day of running around and working, so I was just tired. I didn't understand why I wasn't scared and was going to bed acceptable if I wasn't scared?

EVERY lady I talked to told me how awful their first night was.  I believe none of them slept and here I was so sleepy and so tired and not scared.  Was something wrong with me?

I decided forget it, I probably won't sleep if I get away from the fire, that's when I will get scared when I get away from the safety of the fire (although it was only a few feet from my tent).  I banked it, made sure it was safe for the night, called Pepper, and into the tent we went.

I laid there, listening to the roar of the river, listening to the water drop from the leaves on the trees above me and waited to hear the wild animals and I drifted off to sleep.

I awoke to Pepper growling under her breath.  I put my hand on her and reassured her through my sleep that we were ok and I listened.  I heard feet, but there were quite a good many feet and little to no noise.  It was probably deer.  I peeked through the tent to look at the fire, it was still glowing pretty well and I went back to sleep.

I awoke again to Pepper dreaming.  The second time I woke up I was a little more aware of where I was than the first time.  I listened intently to the forest and all I heard were rain drops.  I started feeling a little scared, but then I reassured myself that there were all these women who had gone before me and done this and they all came out just fine.  They paved the way for me to be here now and not be afraid, so I went back to sleep.

I slept until 9:00 am - when I heard some paddlers going down the river and Pepper having a fit about it.  We were not near enough to the river for anyone down there to be able to see us, so I let her out of the tent and I just laid there and listened and thought what is the matter with me.  Do I not have the sense to get scared when I should?  I was having a hard time with the fact that I felt cradled by those woods.

I felt calm and serene. 

I was thoroughly enjoying the silence (once Pepper stopped barking at the folks on the water) and the lack of conversation and technology.  I had a radio with me I could have listened to, but I loved the song those woods sang.

I hopped up out of bed and decided to go ahead and gather all my fire wood for that night early in the morning.  By doing all my work early on, I could just enjoy my day laying around and reading and walking...

I worked on my pile for a while then Pepper and I made the assent back up the mountain to get some food out of the car.  (It was quite a trek back up the mountain)

When we got back to the tent after eating, I gathered a little more fire wood and then put on my bathing suit and headed to the water.  It was REALLY cold.  I always forget how much colder mountain water is.  I didn't swim.  I washed off.  Pepper got in and almost got taken by the current.  She had never been in the water before and didn't know what to do with herself.  I'm going to have to take her to a slower moving river or a lake for her to learn to swim I think, but she enjoyed splashing around in the shallow water once we got her back to it.

We didn't stay on the water very long.  There are a lot of paddlers on those waters and to be honest with you, I was more afraid of the humans on the water than I was of the wild beasts in the woods.

I went back to my tent and wrote some on the thoughts I was having.  I got my book out and read, but mostly, I just laid there and listened to the sounds of the wood.  The silence was all the stimulation I needed. 

It was AMAZING!

The day went VERY slowly.  I built my fire back up from the coals of the previous nights fire and kept a small fire going most of the day.  That was one of the goals I had set for myself.  I wanted to keep a fire going the entire time I was there.

All of sudden, I started coming down with a headache.  I had not had any caffeine and I am a coffee drinker.  I knew I was in trouble.  I tried to tend to it best I could, but I knew what was coming.  I could feel it in my stomach.  I was going to come down with a migraine because I had forgotten that one vice. 

I decided to pack my stuff up and head home.  I wasn't going to be able to beat the headache - even if I drank something with caffeine in it (which would entail asking Catherine for it) I would still have a headache because I am so prone to them and I had gone too long without caffeine.

I'm pretty proud of myself because I didn't give myself a hard time about it. 

You live and learn and I had done what I came to do. 

I overcame my fear of the woods. 

I officially know I can stay in the woods by myself and I thoroughly enjoyed both a day and a night in the woods by myself. 

I also endured my mind, which didn't give me any fits, and I was ready to go.

Catherine gave me some tea and that helped. I also took some medicine for it. Then, I headed home.

It rained on the mountain right after I left.  I made a good decision to come home.  I have no regrets about cutting my trip short.

Coming home was awesome.  I listened to lovely music and Pepper was so tired she laid right beside me the whole way.   We are bonded because of our trip and I look forward to many more with this little companion.  She loves the woods as much as I do.

No one was home when I got here, so that was also a big plus for me.  I came in and got cleaned up and was able to enjoy just a little while longer with no noise.

So, what did I learn? 

I learned I put a lot of energy into anticipating how I am going to feel and how something is going to be. I think this be a pattern in myself I really need to examine and spend some time working with. I would like to learn how to not build things up so stressful in my mind and learn to better enjoy the process.

I also learned I love being by myself. (I already knew that as I am an only child).  I had thought I had become pretty co-dependent on J and the kids for stimulation and enjoyment and I was able to see that I really like me and my thoughts.  I like hanging out with me.  I'm a pretty all right chick.

I learned I have WAY more confidence than I thought I did in myself, in nature, and in others.

And the biggest lesson... that I trust at the end of the day,  EVERYTHING will be ok.  It always is no matter how hard the lessons or struggle.

Will I do it again?  ABSOLUTELY.

Will I have anxiety about it?  Probably, but I'm just a work in progress.

Until next time!

Be well!